What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
The word narcissism brings to mind a selfie-obsessed individual who seems excessively vain and full of themselves. But in psychological terms, narcissism doesn't mean self-love—at least not of a genuine sort.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) involves a pattern of self-centred, arrogant thinking and behaviour, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronising, and demanding. They appear to hold themselves in very high regard and believe that they are better than anybody else. This way of thinking and behaving surfaces in every area of their lives.
It's more accurate to say that people with NPD are in love with an idealised, grander image of themselves. Being in love with this inflated self-image allows them to avoid deep feelings of insecurity. However, being able to maintain their delusions of grandeur is challenging and often leads to dysfunctional attitudes and behaviour bubbling to the surface.
People suffering from NPD will resist changing their behaviours towards something or someone even when it is causing themselves problems. They tend to turn the blame on others and convince themselves that they are right in everything they say or do. Unfortunately, because of their inflated ego they react very badly to any kind of criticism, disagreements or perceived slights which they will see as personal attacks even when this is not the case.
What are the signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
- Self-importance and grandiosity are the defining characteristics. This will come across as more than just arrogance or vanity, it is an unrealistic sense of importance and superiority over everyone else. The narcissist believes they are “special” and can only be understood by other special people of the same superiority and importance. For example, they will often like to socialise with high status people, places and things.
- The narcissist will believe they are better than everyone else and expect recognition of this. They will often exaggerate or outright lie about achievements and talents. When they talk about work or their relationships, all you will hear is how much they contribute and how lucky that person is to have them in their lives etc.
- However, reality does not support their grandiose view of themselves. Narcissists live in a fantasy world propped up by distortion and self-deception. They spin self-glorifying fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love that make them feel special and in control. These fantasies protect them from feelings of inner emptiness and shame, so facts and opinions that contradict them are ignored or rationalised away. Anything that threatens this is met with extreme defensiveness and even rage, so those around the narcissist learn to tread carefully.
- The narcissist will need constant food for their ego and they surround themselves with people who are willing to cater their obsessive craving for importance and admiration. These relationships are very one sided and if there is ever an interruption in the admirer’s attention, the narcissist will treat this as a betrayal.
- A sense of entitlement. Because the narcissist considers themselves special, they expect special treatment. They believe that whatever they want, they should get. They also expect people around them to automatically comply with their every wish or demand. If you don’t anticipate and meet their every need, you are considered “useless”. Further, if you have the nerve to defy them or ask for something in return, you will be met with aggression, outrage or the cold shoulder.
- Narcissists lack any kind of empathy. They cannot identify with the feelings of others. They will often view people in their lives as “objects” and there to serve a purpose. As a result, they think nothing of taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends. Narcissists simply cannot and do not think about how their behaviour may affect others around them or with whom they may be involved with intimately. If it is pointed out to them, it simply does not register. Sadly, they can only consider and understand their own needs.
- A narcissist frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others. They feel threatened when they find that someone appears to have something they lack – especially confident and popular people. Their defence is “contempt” and the only way to make them feel better and maintain their superior ego is to put those people down. This will be done by patronising or being dismissive of that person to demonstrate how little that person means to them. They may even attack that person with insults, name calling, bullying and threats to force the other person back into line.
- Finally, a Narcissist will often isolate their partner in a relationship so that they can better control them.
Falling for a narcissist
Narcissists can be very magnetic and charming.
They are very good at creating a fantastical, flattering self-image to draw people in. People are attracted to their apparent confidence and unfortunately the shakier the individual’s own self-esteem, the more seductive the narcissist may appear to them.
It is very easy to find yourself involved with a narcissist and believing their stories that they will fulfil your longings and desires. This is however just a fantasy and one that can be costly.
Be sure to look at the way in which the narcissist treats others. If he or she lies, manipulates, hurts and disrespects others, it is very likely that he or she will eventually treat you the same way.
If you think you are in an abusive relationship and you recognise some of the behaviours set out above in your current partner, don’t pretend.
It is important to recognise the narcissist in your life and what they really are. Stop complying with their every wish and stop making excuses for their bad behaviour or minimising the hurt they are causing you.
Denial will not make it go away.
The reality is that narcissists are very resistant to change, so the true question to ask yourself is, ‘can I live like this indefinitely?’.
Instead of losing yourself in the narcissist’s life and delusions, focus on the things you want for yourself. Focus on your dreams and what you need to do to create the life you want.
Ending an abusive relationship is never easy. Ending one with a narcissist can be especially difficult as they can be so charming and charismatic - at least at the start of the relationship or should you threaten to leave. It is easy to become disoriented by their manipulative behaviour, get caught up in the need to seek their approval, or even to feel “gaslighted” and doubt your own judgement. It is important to remember that no one deserves to be bullied, threatened, or verbally and emotionally abused in a relationship. There are ways to escape the narcissist and the guilt and self-blame and begin the process of healing and moving on with your life.
Further Reading - Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Domestic Abuse
Seek Support - You are Not Alone
The support of your friends and family will be important as you take steps to leave an abusive relationship, but if you have been isolated from them by the narcissist, look further afield. You can find support and help from support groups and/or domestic abuse organisations and Family Solicitors who can provide you with emergency support in the first instance and thereafter support you through the journey to freedom from domestic abuse.
At Parfitt Cresswell we know that dealing with something as emotional as family law, in particular domestic abuse, can be distressing and at times leads to feelings of overwhelm.
Matters involving domestic abuse can be highly emotive and require particularly sensitive handling. You are not alone. We are here to help. We can assist you in taking the necessary steps to obtain a Non-Molestation Order and/or an Occupation Order as required, and our team of legal experts will be by your side the entire way. We will look out for you and your family's best interests, and will help you achieve the best outcome possible with as little heartache and anxiety as possible.
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